venting

ok, so as a step-mom I tend to observe others in their parenting habits, while I do not have my kids around to parent... last Sunday we showed up late to Amira's New Begginnings for young womens, we arrived about 15 minutes earlier than we had been told, and so did the one who told us... (which is odd that she even told us! she usually does not & we find out about it after its happened) Ok, so after it was over, which was not long after we had arrived, we went to the cultral hall for refreshments~ while standing there Amira came and stood near us. After a while I said, "maybe your Mom wants to spend some time with you too?" 'I dont care, I am staying by you!' ... so anyways, while Kristyn stood alone, many people came up and introduced theirselves, or came to welcome us having recognized us from Richards court of honor the wed. before... no one spoke to her that I saw, she stood alone waiting for Amira to finish her cupcake, which was so cute btw... Amira was mad at her Mom, and expressed that when I repeated something from the spotlight that did not sound true to me, see her Mom, who is supposed to know her said that her favorite food was eggs, eggs seriously... anyways, so Amira said that all her Mom had put in the spotlight were lies, I said no some of it was right on, she gave me a dirty look... on the way home I cried, why cant this woman who is supposed to be their mother know or pay attention to important things like this????
Thursday, our next visit with the kids, Richards hair has been shaved again, this is the only thing she knows how to do, but she really does not know how to do that! because the day Reid and I got married I had to fix the spots she missed, he looked like an old man with a bad hair cut! So Reid and I have been married for over 7 years now, and you know how many times I have had to fix the only haircut that woman knows how to do!?! too many to count... okay, so its a hair cut right no big deal, it grows back quickly... he cries, the poor kid cries everytime! Amira had a friend over at their Mom's house and the friend see's a pic of Richard and says "its ok, I have a cousin with cancer." with a sad voice. Amira laughed and said, 'thats not my cousin that is my brother and he does not have cancer!'
When we have taken him to a shop and had his hair done, leaving hair on his head, he is so much more confident! So yesterday we argued with the ex about his selfesteem... she says "there are a lot of boys with their hair like that." so we asked Richard, who sadly said "No." told her that and her reply was "so you want him to be like all the other kids?" Why cant she just understand? Is it that freeking difficult to ask a 12 year old boy how he wants his hair? Ok so now that we live close Reid is supposed to get his hair cut, or do it himself to avoid this unhappy confrontation, well she had the kids 3 weekend in a row, and right before our weekend she does this, and then yells at Reid via text that "it is his fault he never takes responsibility for what he says he will do" Had she waited till we bring them back this coming sunday and he still had a full head of hair, then I can see her doing that, but she did not! Ok, so my wonderful, forgiving mother in law, always explains to me, Kristyn's upbringing and her mental handicaps and I feel bad for getting so irritated, but there comes a point when some people should never been given rights to be parents... I know if your reading this you are thinking that this does not sound so bad, trust me it gets worse! Far worse!
So years ago when I first married Reid, I would cry, and I would think about the future that that woman does not have with her children, for all the choices she takes away, someday they will have a choice and my prediction is, it will not be her!
Amira says to me, "I waited for a half hour for my Mom, she was downstairs talking to Richard before bed, she said she would come in and talk to me too. When she finally came upstairs, she shut my light off and said goodnight." okay so for a 11 year old girl to have to deal with this she knows, she realizes, & this type of thing has been going on for a long time! Amira says to her Mom, " I want to call and invite Nay to the thing tomorrow." her Mom tells her no, and she will not go if she invites me... so to have her Mom there, and not get in trouble she does not call me from school like she wants to do all the way up till this "thing" you know the maturation talk... on my end, I am anxiously wondering if she would like me to go, and figuring if she would, knowing Amira she would call me, but she did not... so I did not go, and I asked my friend who has a daughter the same age if Amira's Mom was there and she said no, she sat alone... So I waited the days before she came to our house again and asked, 'so why didnt you call me? were you imberrassed? Did you not want me there?' her MOm basically threatened her, I will not go if you call, and guess who did not show up? When you only have two children how is it impossible to balance the love, to be at their important things when they need you? she never gave Amira a reason she did not come, she did not ask if she had any questions, she just simply did not care. After being married for over 7 years and still no children of my own, seeing things like this really hurts me, because I know it hurts them... I still cry for the kids, but I dont cry anymore that her future with them looks bleak. I am more than happy to welcome them into my home after 18, Holidays with their spouses and kids~ They will have a choice! I will not take that from them, but I am pretty sure they will not be choosing a neglective, manipulative, lying mother. However, I will still teach them forgiveness and hope that when their adult years do come that they will be able to forgive, and hopefully still show her love. because of the guy she is married to, they will be very lonely and unhappy elderly people!
As I watched my Sister in law interact with the mother of her step children, I could not help but have a small bit of envy, because at least this woman will talk with her kids step-mom. She still lies and manipulates, but she at least, from what I observed, treated Lisa like she is a big part of their lives (which means she has a little respect for both her kids and Lisa) Lisa is an amazing person anyways! so I would think that'd be a bit intimidating to an ex... But she seemed to be okay with Lisa overseeing things at her son's Eagle court of honor... I could be wrong, this could have been keeping up appearances, but from my point of view it went well! but like I said, Lisa is amazing!

So their step-dad put on his fb page, something about fat guys with perms, referrring to Reid... you know all the time they have been married they have been making fun of Reid and I being overweight. Well now she no longe can Squish, and I do mean Squish into her husbands pants, and I do believe her butt is bigger than mine! and she can no longer Fold her stomach into her pants! What you give is what you get returned! I am Fat, yes I realize this! everyday in fact! I also learned at a very young age not to assume I know why someone is fat, or not to make fun of anyone. I am overweight because I am Diabetic, I am diabetic partly because of that obesity... Its a constant struggle I have dealt with since I was very young. I was also taught when I was young, that I need to love myself no matter my waiste size! because I could be my ideal weight and still hate myself...or be totally unhappy with my life, quite like they are...

anyways, enough for today~
I am so grateful for so many things, that when I vent like this it makes me feel guilty. Just having Richard and Amira in my life is worth any evil they can dish out to me, it hurts when it is about them, that they use them to cause Reid and I pain. that is what hurts the most, because though we can get past it, they will probably spend most of their lives trying to overcome this evil placed in their path.

as Amira would say "Awkward

Ok, so in Relief Society, the teacher asked us all to think of something we have sacrificed... and I could not help but think of all the trivial things I thought I could never give up when I went to the temple, such as clothing~ and I thought of many others... well when they got to me, it just so happens that someone had handed me one of the clipboards that go around... and it distracted me, so much that what I had planned to say ~all those trivial things~ didnt come out... Instead I started crying instantly (whoa was not expecting that!) and said, through my sobs, I am not kidding! marrying a man with kids... That is all I could choke out! Yikes how embarrassing, ya know so everyone in there is probably thinking that... well I dont care anyways, I just wish I could have finished, but I was literally shaking, and turned bright red... The sacrifice, is so selfish, but, sending the kids back to their Mom, it is so hard~ I love them so much! And after it went around the room more, I thought every sacrifice anyone has mentioned has brought great blessings! Mine included, I mean, when Amira says to me "What are we going to do to celebrate our anniversarty?" I thought you are right, it "our" anniversary, all 4 of us, because when I married Reid, I also accepted his children, lol... so not too long after me breaking down, a sister, that I did not recognize, say, "you know, everything that has been mentioned has brought great blessings" bless her for saying my thoughts~ I dont know why that shook me up so bad... because I am so blessed to have them in my life! Even with the constant opposition of the Mother!

so another funny thought... We started, in 2009 taking the wall paper off of Amira's new room, sanding it, and getting it ready to be painted, she says (this was before her birthday~) so she say's "I bet you wont have it done by even my Next birthday" I said, thanks for the pessimism kid! lol, so then I tell her, ya know what would motivate me more? if you kept your room clean so I can see how bad you want a bigger room! ok, so as time passes, we make progress, get all the wallpaper removed, its looking great, peel up the carpet so we dont get it dirty, and all that fun stuff... for over a YEAR! litterally, I could not get her to keep her room clean, so as to not be like her Mom, I box everything up and put it in her new closet... that was last spring sometime. I tell her as she maintains a clean room she can earn her boxes back one at a time~ (oh, her Mom would have just thrown everything away) I knew I could not box up her clothing because she grows too fast... so I added a dresser to her room... even after ALL this, she still could not keep her room clean... So at Christmas time, I said, while you are here (talking to them both) I would like you to clean your rooms... So one morning Amira wakes up, and says I am going to clean my room! I was the pessamist this time~ I thought sure you are.... So much to my delighted surprise she did! and it looked amazing! So I told her she could have the dresser that would be going in her new room, so we totally rearranged her room making it messy and then making it clean again~ so after all that time I thought this is not going to last... But it has, she is so pleased with it, she just keeps cleaning it every chance she gets. So I pull the carpet back in her new room which has now become a storage room and start pulling one box out at a time and wow! she was totally not that thrilled on Christmas (well when we celebrated it) Day! she was squealing and giggling! it was priceless! so as she chose some items to leave and some to stay boxed up I am thinking Yikes here goes her room.... she has proved me wrong still! She is so so excited that she has so many of her toys back and that her room is still Clean!! I am so happy for her!

A hard lesson learned

I did not realize its been almost an entire year since I have posted on my blog, lol... Last year sometime, I realized I have gone through a lot of strange changes and dont do certain things I used to... such as keeping a balanced check book, pick up the mail at the post office (which honestly I really used to live for that daily ritual) I dont brush my teeth as faithfully as I used to... Ok so you get the point, the good habits have slowly been disappearing, and there are more, lots more, and I dont like to post things like this, but I am being honest with myself (cant put it on FB because fo certain stalking people) anyways, why the changes, for the worser (as the kids used to say) Reid says to me, "you never get the mail anymore, is there something wrong? did Carol say something to offend you?" Ok, first of all, Carol is one of the sweetest people I know, so I quickly said No, but then I thought maybe she thinks the same thing... so after Months of having Reid or the kids get the mail, I walked in, and she was shocked! SO, I thought, why have I not been getting the mail~ Why dont I brush my teeth and floss like I used to? & there is really no way of keeping a balanced check book when your income is here and there anyways right? well all these things and others... We moved in our Home on March 31st 2007, within two weeks after moving in, I lost a baby, I did not know until I had explained to my Mom, who pointed, and had pointed out the pain I was in sounded like a misscarriage~ a year later same month... another, so neither time I knew I was pregnant... 2009 was such a stressful year anyways, with constant attorney visits, going to court, and all the other lovely fun things that fell like domino's because of those court visits... oh and Reid working in Wyoming. At the end of 2009 I started feeling movement everyday, believing that could only be one thing, it was consistant, and it got progressivly stronger! I went for many months thinking I was pregnant, though some things did not fit, like I could not get a positive test, but my Aunt had had the same thing happen to her, so I just figured, when I came I would know that I had been pregnant... talk about weird, well a lady backed into me, I was going really slow thru a parking lot anyways, because of the stress from that moment, blood flowed heavily, and that determined that, well the Dr. said I had gas for the pervious 8 months (which I dont recall ever having gas that went along these lines before or since...) needless to say I did not listen to him after an ultra sound proving I was not pregnant, (still feeling movment) I decided forget it, I was gonna lose the inches I'd gained thinking I was pregnant, luckily my weight did not go up... I had a friend determined too, to lose some extra weight, so we started ourselves walking 3.6 miles per day (3-5 x/week)and I tell you I felt wonderful! Having a friend to talk too, and it helps that Amira & her daughter Selina are best friends, so they'd walk with us (well Selina would Run!) anyways, we were determined to get in shape enough to run the day of the town celebration, they have a one miler and a 3, so we did that, it was awesome, I will post pics of our victory later~ and one more thing to do, since finances were not such that we could take a trip, we decided to go on our hike, to Naomi's Peak,something we have dreamt about since our search began for a home in Cache Valley. So our Idea was to park our car at the end of the trail, and to have our friend drop us off at the beginning... so we did just that... As with my past pregnant experiences, the spirit would tell me, not to do this or not to do that, I would always think, (like when we were moving in) Reid kept saying not to lift the boxes... I was too impatient to wait for him, and I attributed the spirit to Reid's warnings, I thought, Oh, I will be just fine... So as the excitement brewed for our hike and plans were set into action, and summer was drawing to a close, the warning came to me that we should not go. I thought now I am just trying to wimp out, because I knew it would be tough! So we went, and we hiked and hiked and hiked and hiked... and I enjoyed it very much, it was very challenging, so much so that you could not convince my body that any of the walking we'd been doing had helped at all! though really I know it did! Oh, I even took a test before, it was negative.... after the muscles recovered, mine, everyone else seemed fine as soon as we walke through the front door, I told the kids next year I want to go hike Mnt. Timp... They rebelled and said no way... well after our nephew's wedding, Reid's family said that is what they were going to do, and I thought sweet, finally, after all these years of hearing about it, living in Utah I was finallay gonna see the caves... The kids did not want to go... I was feeling some pain, and being that I feel pain a Lot, I just ignored it and enjoyed family, or tried... when I went to the bathroom, and saw the little fetis, I new I would not be hiking the next day, having experienced this before I knew what it was... Being in a public place, I didnt know what to do, so I flushed, and tried to be happy... Both kids went with their Aunts & Uncles and got to see the caves & they enjoyed it too! of course they were not carrying packs either (Amira pointed out) Richard didnt care, he was like a mountain goat all through Naomi's Wilderness.
The Pain, that ususally eventually goes away, did not... it stayed, and was a mean constant reminder everyday, until my mother in law reccomended an herb, it helped a lot till it was gone, now the pain has lessened greatly and I dont notice it everyday, though I have a high tolerance for pain, dont know why. The pain, that is consistant still is the reality, that had I not lifted the boxes, I would have a toddler~ Had I not went on the hike, I would be due in the spring... So why do I not do the things I used to do? There is a song that helps me, "There will always be a place for the one who went away, for the one who left too soon, the one who couldnt stay, there will always be a piece of my heart thats broken,for the child I couldn't keep and the love that goes unspoken.... I still have cause to smile, but I'll think of that little one every once in a while.."
Its a beautiful song!
If you have taken the long time to read all this, I Thank you! I apologize for being so redundant! The outcome of these realizations~ I was asking my Heavenly Father how I could strengthen my communication and understanding of the Holy Ghost, so that I am prepared and listen when he tells me something or warns me of things...before I could even think this I had a revelation, I cant say its the first but it certainly was the most vivid, and it was simply amazing! it was like one thought, one something simple, I dont even know how to word it... but it was so extremely profound! I could not sleep after that! I was way too excited! this was back in Dec. and the revelation, is something I am doing over the course of this year~ Take each month and study the life and teaching of the 12 Apostles~ by doing this, so far, I feel its helped me spiritually by being a better teacher, to be more open to the promtings of the Holy Ghost was my goal, and I say that by reading modern scripture, and taking these things into my life, it has helped me a lot. My Mom always used to say, when I was in my rebel stage "you always learn things the hard way..." I suppose after over 7 years of marriage, and several misscarriages, that I'd have to agree, I am still learning the Hard way. But at least through this, my spirit will grow!~